Best Funny Excuses in a Traffic Stop

You can't avoid a ticket. You don't decide that—the officer will decide that, if he hasn't already. You can play a part in the officer's decision making, but you won't be able to necessarily determine the course of his action. So if you do something wrong or break a rule, the best thing you can do is to be calm and deferential to the cop. The less you act like a hormone-driven 17-year-old teen, the more chances things will work out in your favor. But if you keep pretending like you didn't do anything wrong, and you're at fault, you'll just end up doing more damage to your case.

There is a litany of stories that people tell after being pulled over. Some are sensible, some good and some just terrible. Some of the things people do is just simply insane. For instance, one motorist was obviously drunk, so when a cop caught him, he was asked to do a field sobriety test. The cop demonstrated the straight-line test and asked the drunkard to do the same. The drunkard stated, "Sir, I can't do that. I don't have those shoes." "What?" asked the cop. "How am I supposed to do it if we don't have the same shoes?" replied the drunkard.

So here we are, looking at the worst excuses given to cops after being pulled over. All of these are real-life excuses (askreddit.com and policeone.com).

20 I'M DYSLEXIC

"In car with friend and pulled over for speeding. Speed limit was 35 mph, and friend was going at least 60; the cop walks up to the car and, without hesitating, friend plays dumb and says he didn't know he was speeding because he's dyslexic. Cop laughs in his face, writes a ticket, and puts 53 mph in a 35 on the ticket" (brainjet.com).

As funny as the cop's response was, this excuse was terrible. There's a reason why you need to have your license renewed every so many years. Should something change after you got your license, it will have to be rectified before your license gets renewed. But saying you have dyslexia is just not going to cut it. What a terrible excuse overall. Plus, if you ever passed your driver's license with dyslexia, it wouldn't take you long from doing wacky stuff nearby a stop sign, for all you'd be able to read is "POTS."

On another note, a police officer in Arkansas helped a girl with dyslexia obtain her driver's license. The teen used to ride horses to get around the rural areas, but thanks to the officer's help, she learned to use horsepower. She apparently failed her written test three times, being confused by the questions (understood.org).

19 THE COP IN FRONT OF ME WAS GOING TOO SLOW

Unmarked cars are obviously not as blatant as normal police vehicles are, but they still need to have the lights somewhere, at the least. Whether that's on the windshield or the rear windshield or even hidden in the grille—and this last place is rather difficult to spot—there will be some sort of indication that it's an undercover car.

Additionally, complex.com states: "Most police departments slap on municipal license plates to their unmarked cars, making them easy to spot. Look for license plates composed solely of numbers, with the word 'official' at the bottom, or containing any odd designs."

However, it also sates: "This rule doesn't apply in some states, which allow officers to use their civilian cars and plates." And then of course, some will have so many antennas that you might think it's a driving cell phone-tower.

Nonetheless, one motorist got pulled over because she overtook a slow-going car in the front. Now, not much detail is provided, but I'd imagine it wasn't done within the boundary of rules and regulations. And guess who pulled the motorist over? The very car she passed—it was an undercover cop. I guess the car was seriously bereft of any markings.

18 I'M A COP TOO!

One police officer caught a driver for speeding. And as soon as the cop went to the window, the driver said, "Can you let me go? I used to be a cop too." Turns out, the guy was a security guard.

That actually piqued my curiosity about the ability of one cop to cite another cop. And guess what? The information is conflicting.

On the one hand, you have all these people being told that there's no one preventing one cop from citing another. On the other hand, however, some Quora forums say that they are taught to not cite another police officer for generic things, citing only when things get a little too out of control. I'd imagine the latter is the reality.

Nevertheless, here's what happened in New Zealand once: "Police Commissioner Rob Robinson today received a speeding ticket in the Oamaru area at Maheno. Mr Robinson was traveling to a family function in a rental vehicle with some of his relations. He had set the cruise control for the open road. He stated that he missed a speed limit sign in an area where the limit changed from 100 kph to 70. He was detected traveling at 97 kph by an oncoming patrol" (police.govt.nz).

17 IT'S ST. PATRICK'S DAY

This is probably one of the worst excuses you can give. Folks, if it's St. Patrick's Day, you go ahead drink and celebrate, not drink and drive. Nonetheless, after a guy was pulled over for drunk driving on St. Patrick's Day, he said he was driving drunk because it was St. Patrick's Day and that he was Irish. Solid reason, man, solid reason.

According to scramsystems.com, there are 32.3M people in the US who claim to have some Irish blood, and 56.1% of the US population plans to celebrate that day, which I'd imagine just means they plan on drinking. Fifty percent of those who celebrate drink beer and 20% go with hard liquor.

Considering all the above, law enforcement personnel are really alert on such days, and they should be, because the numbers are just sobering. "According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, more than 700 people were killed nationwide in crashes involving drink drivers during St. Patrick's Day holidays from 2006 to 2010. In 2010, 80% of alcohol-related accidents on St. Patrick's Day involved drivers who had blood alcohol levels nearly twice the legal limit" (blog.safeauto.com).

16 I'M MORE SOBER THAN THE OTHER GUY

I don't get how people are able to drink and drive. First, your perception and reality are two different things when you're drunk. As you might know from your own experience, drinking a good amount of alcohol acts as a depressant, meaning your entire central nervous system becomes depressed.

National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence states: "Alcohol affects a person's information-processing skills, also known as cognitive skills, and hand-eye coordination, also referred to as psychomotor skills. Consuming alcohol prior to driving greatly increases the risk of car accidents, highway injuries, and vehicular deaths. The greater the amount of alcohol consumed, the more likely a person is to be involved in an accident. When alcohol is consumed, many of the skills that safe driving requires – such as judgment, concentration, comprehension, coordination, visual acuity, and reaction time – become impaired."

Essentially, everything is delayed. So why drive when you have had some drinks? The problem is that the part of the brain that makes rational decision is also inhibited by alcohol. So that's why some of these people get themselves in a car after drinking in the first place.

And guess what a wasted motorist had to say to the cop after being pulled over for drunk driving? "I'm more sober than my friend, so I am driving them home."

15 I PAY YOUR SALARY, SO YOU'D BETTER NOT FINE ME

As bad of an excuse as this is, it's also a little funny. Can you just imagine what would be going through the cop's mind if that's what the motorist said to him? There goes any chance that the officer would have given only a warning (although, if it was said in a funny way, the cop might have let it slide).

So, how true is that statement? Partially. Tax dollars go to things like pensions, police and firefighters. However, such police departments not only arrange for money from the federal state government, but also through other programs and initiatives. One way is through the seizure of money or property that was associated with some sort of a criminal activity. Another, of course, is through the money that the cops generate from fining motorists.

A Quora user further writes: "The amounts and percentages these departments are allowed to keep are at the discretion of those responsible for that department's funding and other government such as a city council. As an example, one city in the United States might permit 100% of all proceeds to go back into the police budget, whereas another may only offer a small percentage to their police department."

So the pulled-over motorist was not completely right.

14 I DIDN'T KNOW WHICH PEDAL WAS WHICH!

This is pretty terrible. And it was more than just being pulled over. The motorist actually hit another car because she "mixed up where the gas and brakes were." This kind of reminds of the Audi 3000 and the unintended acceleration.

However, this problem is not uncommon. One driving instructor explains: "Their reasoning is as follows: 'If the pedal I am using is making the car go forward, then the other pedal must make it stop.' When a driver is startled, and the vehicle has been recently started, a strong idle will often vault the vehicle forward and create the illusion of intended propulsion. The natural thing to do seems to slam a foot on the other pedal, namely the gas pedal" (timescolonist.com).

While some people are misled by perception, the webpage further states that the problem is sometimes due to leg numbness, particularly in senior drivers. You lose sensation, so you can't sense what the right foot is touching, meaning the gas and brake pedals become equally attractive candidates. Also, some bigger vehicles have the brake pedal at a higher height than the gas pedal, and if the driver can't sense the foot and thus doesn't lift it high enough, the foot just goes back to the gas.

13 BUT I THOUGHT I WAS SPECIAL!

There are some countries where the eligibility for a driver's license is as hard as a rock. Take Japan, for example. There is a conceptual test and then the practical test. You have the written test, which will check out your vision, hearing and physical prowess. Not a big deal. But the practical test is difficult. You could be asked to reverse around an S-curve, or the instructor could be in a tough mood and ask you to drive through a dangerous hill. Similar standards are seen in Denmark. Website dailymail.co.uk writes the following could be tested: "Driving in a figure of eight, driving on a slippery track, sitting and stopping off by the side of a road, driving forwards and backwards, parking in bays, three-point turns, forward and reverse slalom, and braking hard without locking wheel." I don't even know what more than half of these mean, let alone have the ability to do them.

But I never thought our standards in the US were bad either. While one state varies from another, America has pretty rigorous standards before letting someone get on the road independently. Yet, one motorist stated she was speeding because she thought she could go over the posted speed limit in the fast lane.

12 IT WASN'T ME

"My friend once panicked and tried to use the excuse, 'It wasn't me driving.' The policeman explained that he was the only one in the car, and he'd been driving behind him for the last few minutes, so he knew the motorist hadn't just appeared there."

This one is just terrible. How do you even come up with this? Nonetheless, it kind of reminds me of a very interesting story. You have probably heard of various stories about how drivers who broke some minor traffic rules got pulled over, and one thing led to another, with the cop ultimately finding a body hidden in the trunk or a kidnapped victim. But what you didn't perhaps know was the story of a guy who tried to outdo the cop.

Essentially, he was drunk, so was driving really haphazardly. So a cop pulled him over and started checking out the license plate and checking records, before going to the window. But as soon as he got to the driver's window, there was no one in the car. No one had left the car as far as the cop could tell when inside his own car—the driver found his way to the trunk internally and tried to sell a kidnapping story.

11 I WAS TRYING TO GO BACK IN TIME

Time travel is an a very interesting concept. Before Albert Einstein elucidated the theory of time and relativity, people used to think time was a physical constant. In other words, it was something that was just set in stone, a constant, a mere fact of life. Well, Einstein showed that to be false.

Space.com states that "Einstein showed that time is an illusion; it is relative — it can vary for different observers depending on your speed through space. To Einstein, time is the 'fourth dimension.' Space is described as a three-dimensional arena, which provides a traveler with coordinates — such as length, width and height —showing location. Time provides another coordinate — direction — although conventionally, it only moves forward. Einstein's theory of special relativity says that time slows down or speeds up depending on how fast you move relative to something else."

This is exactly why if you ever got into a spaceship traveling the speed of light, you'd return younger than your identical twin on earth. Even time slows down for you once you achieve the speed of light (186,282 miles per second)! Even if time travel is possible, 88 mph is just not going to cut it—and you'd better believe a motorist tried to say she was trying to go back in time with that speed!

10 OUT OF COLOSTOMY BAGS

This one has a good background story. So there was this motorist who had some sort of colon problem and had a colostomy bag placed. Some background: When you have a colostomy bag, you generally have one end of the large intestine surgically moved to the abdominal wall with an opening. So, this is where your feces can collect instead of going through the disease-ridden colon (healthline.com). (Some people even have these bags permanently, as their colon is severed for medical reasons.)

I don't know what he was doing, but for one reason or another, he got pulled over. And he didn't want a ticket, which was understandable.

The motorist states he was already drowning in medical bills, and another hassle would have just burdened him even more. And he didn't. Here's what he states he did: "So I lifted up my shirt and ripped my bag off and smeared feces all over my stomach and pants. When the officer came up, he was mortified, and I had to explain that I had run out of colostomy bags and was on my way home. He let me go immediately, so I went home ticket-free and had a nice hot shower."

9 EVERYONE ELSE WAS SPEEDING

As much as this logic could have helped the motorist elsewhere, it just got him a ticket while driving. Worse yet, it wasn't even a teen driver, as the person telling the story starts off by saying, "my father once told a cop…."

And if you have ever wondered how cops choose which one to pick from a team of reckless motorists, the answer is seemingly simple: It depends. One motorist shares her experience of seeing two cars in succession going 25 mph over the limit in a 70-mph zone. Both were speeding pretty recklessly, and unbeknownst to them, there was a cop standing on a hidden corner. "The flashing lights came on, and I watched the second car get pulled over. The lead car slowed down, and I followed it for a while. That driver just got lucky that day," (quora.com).

But the above is not universal. Some other cops definitely go for the leading driver. Still, others go for the most dangerous driver. For instance, one cop decided to pull over a pickup truck going 10 over in a 60-mph zone. There was also a speeding Mustang, but he chose the truck, reasoning that the Mustang at least had the brakes to stop quickly.

8 I'M PREGNANT

I will steal that money, he thought. He continued driving, though started swerving slightly. Why shouldn't I? he thought. He had never done it in the past, but his stupidity had just gotten the better of him. He couldn't think of anything besides acting on his newly found loophole. It was simple. All he had to do was follow through the plan, and after that, the money would transfer over. There were no lies. What if I get caught? reasoned his sane self. It's not morally right to deprive so many other families of their money, just because I have found a way. But he had wanted the money so badly for the Bugatti Chiron. Plus, what if I were to get caught? What….

And then the lights flashed. He came back to reality, taken aback by the intense lights. What was he even thinking driving drunk? Oh crap, I'm driving drunk, and there's a cop behind me. What do I do?

So, he peed over himself, and when the officer came over, he told the officer that he was pregnant and that his water had just broken (policeone.com). Of course, the background story is imaginary, but a male motorist claimed he was pregnant after being pulled over for drunk driving.

7 I'M TRYING TO CLEAR THE SNOW AWAY

This is similar to another one, although present in a different context. Here's the story from policeone.com: "It snowed six inches, and I radar a car driving 54 in a 30-mph zone. Stopped her, and she very matter-of-fact told me, 'Duh, I know I was going fast, I was trying to get the snow off my windshield, so I could see where I'm going!!!!'"

That's just insane. Guys, don't do this in real life. I'm talking about driving with snow on your car. It's terribly annoying and equally dangerous when chunks of snow keep falling from your car's roof or back window when you attain a highway speed.

You might not realize, but combine the behemoth mass and the speed at which the chunk leaves your car (more or less the same speed as the car), and you have a recipe for a disaster. That glob can land on any other motorist's windshield and cause them to get into a fatal accident.

Plus, it's an offense in certain states: "If the snow and ice isn't properly scraped off your windshield and windows, you could get stopped and fined up to $1,000 in certain states, according to USA Today. The regulation differs depending where you live, but they can penalize you for distracted driving or presenting a danger to other drivers" (goodhousekeeping.com).

6 BUT I WAS TRYING TO CALL YOU...

Here's a cop explaining the story: "I gave someone a ticket for using his phone while driving. After I got some details, I walked away from the driver to my own car. When I got back to him, he told me he was on the phone with the operator of the emergency number, and he showed me that he called the number around 10:45." Well, too bad for him, as the cop had already jotted down the initial time of pulling over: 10:35. Uh-oh, that's just a disgusting lie.

If it wasn't clear, he had called the emergency number after being pulled over.

Plus, how often is that you're talking to an emergency personnel and driving at the same time? Usually when it's an emergency, you're too disoriented to be able to coordinate those two things. Nonetheless, it's highly likely that the motorist hung up after dialing the emergency number. Or, now that I think about it, he'd have probably said, "I'm sorry, I dialed by accident," or the emergency personnel would have called right back. It's a pretty terrible excuse.

All said, driving laws are becoming stricter and stricter, so be aware of your own state's driving laws.

5 I'M TRYING TO SLEEP

As I was searching for reasons and researching the background on this topic, I stumbled on something that even I wasn't aware of in exact terms. Apparently, you can get pulled over and arrested for having physical control of a vehicle while under the influence of alcohol, regardless of whether you were driving it or not (seattleite.com). So you can't say, "I pulled over to sleep it off! I knew I shouldn't drive, so I stopped here, officer."

Of course, I wasn't aware of the exact law, but it totally makes sense. And while the above excuse implies that the person had been driving it at one point, the law would be true even if you were in a car drunk, but hadn't driven it. The reasoning kind of ties in with the above explanation on what alcohol does to your body, particularly the inhibition part. If you were drunk enough to think that you should get into your car, it shouldn't be too difficult to imagine that you aren't far from being able to start the car and actually drive. It's not like you'd actually be able to reason that you shouldn't drive the car in a drunken state—or you wouldn't have gotten in the car in the first place.

4 DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE AUTOMATIC

I was surprised to learn about this, but I guess it could happen. Here's a former police officer sharing his story: "I did a lot of traffic enforcement and spent most of my time on the highway. One time, I pulled over a European tourist for driving almost 20 mph over the speed limit on a stretch of road that was noticeably uphill."

The officer states the person blatantly denied speeding. So the officer told him that this was not just a random guess, but guided by the readings of a radar. The touring motorist then backpedaled and said it was the lack of familiarity with automatic transmission, "and that the car just took off uphill." While there are differences in automatics and manuals, it's also true that there are speed limit signs on the road and a speedometer in a car. So, it's kind of a shame that she was going over 20 mph, as that's not only reckless driving in at least Virginia, but just careless driving.

This story would have made more sense had we known the nationality of the tourist. Some European countries are stricter than the US in terms of speed limits, while others are a joke.

Here's a cop sharing his story (policeone.com): "I had someone tell me that he put too much oil in the engine of his vehicle, and he had to drive really fast to burn the extra roll out."

That's just a terrible excuse for speeding. Plus, how would driving fast burn the extra oil? If the oil is not hot, just siphon the extra out. If anything, driving too fast might damage some parts of the engine.

As theglobeandmail.com explains it, "The result is that the spinning crankshaft can aerate the oil, whip it into a froth or foam as it moves through with each revolution. That oil, with tiny air particles in it, cannot do a proper lubricating job. In severe cases, insufficient oil flow could result in overheating – not a good thing."

However, other sources say that even a gallon of extra oil won't cause much problem, let alone a liter. Of course, there will be the lower mileage due to pumping losses—and the nagging thought that something is amiss—but generally speaking, it shouldn't matter much. But then this also depends on the car make and model. Some cars can't handle any more oil than the specified quantity, so it's unsafe to put more than the recommended amount (mechanics.stackexchange.com).

2 I DON'T WANT TO USE MY NEW BRAKES

This is rather silly. Some motorists speed and say that they were speeding because they didn't want to use their new brakes—they didn't want the brakes to wear down. Additionally, i-lawsuit.com states that this is a rather common excuse that officers get from speeding drivers. You know, basic physics is also a thing. You don't need to necessarily use the brake pedals to slow down. All you have to do is stop applying force on the gas, and the force of friction will eventually completely stop the car. In other words, it's a sad excuse for speeding. Moreover, brake life depends on various factors. So if you're gentle with your brakes, it will pay off. For instance, yourmechanic.com explains that smooth and gradual braking helps increase the lifespan of brake pads; go rough, and it will wear down quicker.

Here's some more details from howstuffworks.com: "The lifespan of a given set of brake pads is dependent on a very wide set of variables ranging from personal driving style to the impersonal laws of physics. Mechanics and manufacturers have a loosely agreed upon mileage range from around 30,000 to 70,000 miles (48,280 to 112,654 kilometers), but stories of pads lasting a mere 100 miles (160.9 kilometers) to an astounding 100,000 miles (160,934 kilometers) abound."

1 I'M TRYING TO GET HOME BEFORE THE SHOTS KICK IN

Apparently, there was this TV show that was about how people went to the courts and made their cases. Now, I'm not sure whether that TV show was a reality TV show or a scripted show, but it seems like it was the former. Anyway, it showed one driver being pulled over for speeding. And if you think you have the slightest idea as to what her response was to being pulled over, you'd better think again.

She said that she had taken five shots at the bar and was speeding "because she wanted to get home before they took effect and she'd be too drunk to drive." And if you're thinking "what on earth did I just read?" I'm right there with you.

That's like saying I want to drive really fast on the highway so that I can lessen my chances of being on the road (shorter duration), thereby decrease my chances of getting into an accident. Okay, but what about the new variables that you brought into the equation?

I don't know how the drunk motorist thought of that, but then again, as a Redditor pointed out, that's the kind of lack of logic you'd expect from someone who has downed five shots.

Sources: reddit.com, www.policeone.com

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